Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
