I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
