I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
