you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
