i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
