even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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