sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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