hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I can text with my tongue
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Randomize
