do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
