Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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