I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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