Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
