I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
