I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
