last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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