My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize