you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
