I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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