I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
