I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
