did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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