How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
