i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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