got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
