a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
