my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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