I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
