did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum