I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?