i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
