My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
