Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
