how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
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