Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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