she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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