meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
