Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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