I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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