one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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