My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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