At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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