we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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