I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
