I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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