Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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