I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
