the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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