I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
