this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
