I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
