I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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