i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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