This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
