I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
