wanna go halves on a baby?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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