I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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