i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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