At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
